Posted by: dougery | June 14, 2011

Pitchforking the 50 States

While it is semi-shameful to admit it, I read Pitchfork regularly for music news and album reviews. A great many musicians I enjoy happen to fall under the Pitchfork / Hipster umbrella and since I don’t live within 100 miles of a decent venue nor do I hang out with real live persons who share an interest in this type of noise music, I’ve ‘discovered’ many of my favorite bands and singers and albums by reading their site.

Pitchfork gets a great deal of (deserved) criticism for two things:
a) verbose reviews full of flowery metaphors and Hunter S Thompson style anecdote laden personal narratives and
b) their seemingly arbitrary grading system which ranks albums on a point scale from 0.0 to 10.0.

Here then, I will adopt the arbitrary Pitchfork grading system and use exactly one flowery / enigmatic phrase to judge each and every of the 50 States (which seems somewhat appropriate seeing as I haven’t been to more than half of these places). Ahem:

Alabama 4.2 “The Southern Recluse.”
Alaska 4.7 “The Frozen Bitch.”
Arizona 3.2 “The Racist Varmint.”
Arkansas 4.5 “The Humble Port-a-Potty.”
California 5.0 “The Progressive Retard.”
Colorado 7.1 “The Pillowy Bosom.”
Connecticut 6.3 “The Sated Cassowary.”
Deleware 3.4 “The Freckled Lima-bean.”
Florida 1.7 “The Ornery Liver-spot.”
Georgia 3.8 “The Dapper Codswallop.”
Hawaii 7.8 “The Way-over There.”
Idaho 6.4 “The Milk-fed Turnip.”
Illinois 7.9 “The Amber Maelstrom.”
Indiana 0.6 “The Lethargic Veranda.”
Iowa 3.5 “The Dry Well.”
Kansas 4.4 “The Tentative Mosquito.”
Kentucky 4.6 “The Fricasseed Treble-Clef.”
Louisiana 7.1 “The Aromatic Vestibule.”
Maine 6.6 “The Blind Moose.”
Maryland 7.4 “The Turgid Septum.”
Massachusetts 7.8 “The Missing Pirate.”
Michigan 7.3 “The Alcoholic.”
Minnesota 7.5 “The Nicest Dem Darn People You’ll Ever Meet Dontcha Know.”
Mississippi 5.2 “The Practical Compromise.”
Missouri 6.8 “The Zesty Pinata.”
Montana 5.8 “The Ferrovitreous Jock-strap.”
Nebraska 4.1 “The Reticulated Weevil.”
Nevada 5.0 “The Vapid Whore.”
New Hampshire 8.0 “The Nocturnal Haberdasher.”
New Jersey 3.3 “The Voided Spleen.”
New Mexico 6.0 “The Varnished Lady-Cave.”
New York 8.7 “The Pathetic Fallacy.”
North Carolina 8.5 “The In-Grown Jubilee.”
North Dakota 6.5 “The Hen-Pecked Mastodon.”
Ohio 4.3 “The Tainted Broadstroke.”
Oklahoma 4.9 “The Natural Carpetbagger.”
Oregon 8.4 “The Quilted Northern.”
Pennsylvania 7.5 “The Corrugated Out-house.”
Rhode Island 5.9 “The Loathsome Kermit.”
South Carolina 6.2 “The Well-hung Bastard.”
South Dakota 2.3 “The Ridiculous Premise.”
Tennessee 7.8 “The Scandalous Bangle.”
Texas 0.4 “The Worst.”
Utah 2.2 “The Ski Resort.”
Vermont 7.7 “The Fire-roasted Poplar.”
Virginia 8.1 “The Sex.”
Washington 8.2 “The Frasier Crane.”
West Virginia 1.5 “The Vigorous Ignorance.”
Wisconsin 8.3 “The Fecund Rambler.”
Wyoming 5.6 (said in bad Groucho impression): “The Wyoming? The Why-Not-Oming?”

And since you’ve indulged me this long here is a picture of Dali jumping rope:



  1. This is BRILLIANT! And I have a newfound respect for Georgia and Delaware…

  2. i second croftie.

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