Posted by: dougery | June 22, 2011

Hobbit Habits

Sensei refers to L and I as “Hill People.” I guess I can’t really argue since we do live in the foothills of actual mountains and are in most ways generally human. When I hear the phrase “Hill People” my mind instinctively performs a ‘Ctrl + F’ all-purpose geek search that inevitably results upon hobbits. For me, “Hill People” = hobbits. And while my feet are kind of hairy and I do sort of live in a cottage and my surroundings are pretty damn pastoral and I usually over-pronounce po-tay-toes in the manner of Samwise in Peter Jackson’s LotR films, I wouldn’t exactly say I am otherwise hobbit-esque.

I am, however, a creature of habit.

Having a 9-5 day-job only reinforces my inclination toward repeating structures by mushing all of the enjoyable recreational stuff into the few remaining hours in the day. What follows is certainly meant to dazzle you. Behold the wondrous and exotic ways I pass my waking hours. On most days:

I will wake up 20 minutes before I have to leave for work. I do not function well in the morning and keep my awareness of its existence blessedly short. 20 minutes is enough time for me to gather my belongings and wake up just enough to operate a motor vehicle that can take me to coffee.

I will take my lunch between noon and noon-thirty. And get cranky if prevented from doing so.

I will consume 2 to 3 cans of diet soda during the afternoon hours.

Upon returning home I decompress for an hour by playing internet hearts or writing stupid things on Twitter or streaming an album or something mindless like that. I feel bad about this seclusion, seeing as I have usually just spent the previous 9 hours away from my wife and the first thing I require is further time alone, but there it is. She hasn’t divorced me yet so maybe she enjoys this time to herself as well. After all you have probably met me and know I can be a bit… trying.

I then do a half-assed job of helping said wife make dinner. I do the dishes. Make sauces. But am inclined to stay away from raw meat as it is gross and I do not like touching it. L is also much better at chopping things. Speedier. Less inclined to slice off a digit. In the kitchen she does the heavy lifting. I simply take out the garbage, figuratively and literally.

As we prep we typically listen to songs on L’s laptop. The most popular cuts over the past few months are as follows:

“Why We Fight” by the Decemberists
Some LCD Soundsystem song with the muppet video
Anything NKOTB
Anything Lily Allen
And L’s ‘Bon Iver’ based Pandora channel.

With Dinner in hand or at least on plate L and I settle down and watch an episode of TV. We do not have cable so we are limited to DVDs we own or rent. Currently there is a 45% likelihood that Community will be played followed by (in decreasing probability) a 23% chance of ‘serious’ drama (a la Mad Men, Breaking Bad, Dexter, etc), 17% Buffy and on down to a .3% chance we’ll actually watch a full-length movie. Our attention spans = not-so-much.

L is always the first to fall asleep as she insists on getting up at 5:30am to be productive and write. I stay up in order to watch the Indians lose on the computer, watch an episode of Futurama or South Park, and read feminist reviews of pop music in the 70s. IN THAT ORDER AND WITHOUT EXCEPTION. Just kidding, as I also feed the cats by 10 or else they would gut us and feast on our entrails.

I hope the preceding details of my mundane existence prove sufficiently demystifying. This of course only applies to our home-life, as when we go out a few times each week there is nothing but heartbreak, loss, and cop cars flipped over and set on fire.




  1. We are old.

  2. i KNEW you were gonna say that. Almost refrained from posting because of it. Yet whereas you say ‘Old’ I say ‘Awesome.’ We are awesome.

  3. Three things:

    1.) HILL PEOPLE!

    2.) I hope that last part is true, because Ayako gets cranky if she can’t flip over and light afire at least one cop car a week.

    3.) I apologize in advance for the coming disruption/distractions from your olds/awesomes routine.

    Bonus thing: I just started writing a story involving a fox. Yay that image!

  4. No apologies necessary, Osutein. I look forward to your visit during a period of time where we shall all gather to celebrate our fine country’s Independence while various groups set of small explosives in the sky.

    Also, there will be beer.

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