Posted by: dougery | August 17, 2011

A Weekend to Nowhere

This weekend I will be vacationing in the Adirondacks. To put some perspective on this, let me break things down for you, son.

I live in the middle of nowhere. As in the geographic center of the absence of ‘where’. You know that place that people go to in order to live and work and meet other people and fall in love and get married and stuff? You know that ‘where’? That ‘where’ is like, way the hell down the interstate from me. I live in the place people retire to when they want to get away from ‘where.’ When people have had too much ‘where’ and want to start an organic lima bean farm or raise goats or saddle black bears or ‘return to nature’ they head out my way. And I say ‘Sup, how you doing? and they say “You folks have a lot of trees.”

Its kind of ridiculous then to consider what a vacation from here would be. In reality it takes one of two forms.

1. The ‘vacation’ to the city.

The city in this case could be anything from charlatan posers like Albany and Springfield, to actual cities like New York and Boston. Where a fella can head on down to look at all them perdy lights and tall buildings and whatnot. Where people outnumber horses and where things like murder and Indian food exist.

2. The vacation to an even more remote wilderness.

Because there is always a more secluded area to relax in. I mean, our town has a college for crying out loud. There’s a theater festival and a vinyl record store. Both a grocery store and a swanky-pants organic all-natural everyone who works there has dreds, tattoos, piercings or dreds, tattoos and piercings and worry about food having things like too many preservatives or flavor whole foods kind of food store. Our neck of the woods has not one but two excellent museums. There’s culture and civilization is what I’m saying.

There are places that don’t have these things.

This weekend I will be going from the middle of nowhere to the ass end of nowhere. Right to the edge of where even the nowhere ceases to be. Where people don’t go because of, I assume, dragons and frost giants and bridge trolls kill and eat anyone stupid enough to travel that far away from ‘where.’ I’m looking forward to trading in my internet connection and running water and basic human necessities for a chance to ‘rough it’ in the wilderness. Maybe I will have an epiphany. One that doesn’t include ‘man it sure is nice to have modern technological conveniences’ and by modern i mean ‘stuff developed during the industrial revolution.’



  1. You gonna do a bunch of drugs out there?

    I would need lost of drugs to make me feel better about peeing on the ground.

  2. I’m probably VASTLY overestimating the roughingitness of the situation. We were invited up by folks who have a place somewheres up thar, a place which in all honesty might turn out to be better furnished than our house.

    However I won’t come back until I’ve been slung into a freezing cold lake via a zip-line and picked leeches off my feet.

  3. I like this, Doug, but funnier to me was reading Kao’s comment as a “brunch” of drugs instead of “bunch.” I thought, ‘Wow, they serve drugs for brunch in the Adirondacks? That’s certainly SOMEwhere!’ D’oh! Hope you and L have fun!!!

  4. You know that people go to “your neck of the woods” to avoid the apocalypse? Apparently it is the most geologically sound place in the world…

  5. @MRH- we only have drugs for brunch on Tuesdays.

    @KO- Good to know that when the human race ends I will be the last among us all to be wiped out.

  6. And while you are in nowhere’s ass… I’ll be in your birth-city of Buffalo! (Also known as just plain ol’ ass.) Apparently my sister said that my nephews Friday football practice is open to adults so I am totally going to bash heads with some rugrats!

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