Posted by: dougery | October 28, 2011

Would I Make For a Good Vampire?

Another Halloweeny-ish post, so do forgive me if your delicate sensibility finds all of the satanic and diabolic mischievousness of this holiday inappropriate or downright Unchristian.

Today’s post comes to us in the form of a question from Becky Sproles in Dillon, TX. She writes:

“Hello Doug Riggins (sic).

I was just wondering if you would make a good vampire.

Love your blog,

Becky”

Well Becky, I am going to assume that by ‘good’ you mean ‘effective at’ or ‘particularly adept’ and not the more traditional Nicomachean ‘Good’ as in good versus evil. Because while there are plenty of (chaotic?) ‘good’ vampires in modern storytelling and television, and please don’t take this the wrong way, they are all kind of pansies. Angel is all lurky and broody and big-foreheady. Robert Pattinson is a fictional character and not a very good one at that, etc. Thus my idea of a ‘good’ vampire is a soulless creature of the night bent on the destruction of all that is good and pure in the world.

So anyways, Becky, I have come up with a series of benchmark questions to determine if I would make a good vampire (or vampyre for you AD&D nerds). At the end we will tally up my score and I will either burst into flames seeing as the bright sun is shining in the windows right now, or simply shuffle on toward my inevitable death. And away we go.

Q1. How do you feel about daylight?

A1. Well, seeing as I worked for over 5 years in a dungeon bookstore where in the winter I crept underground to pore over my papyrus and whatnot before the sun rose and did not resurface until the sun had already set, and that my skin will start to flay and burn the moment I walk out into direct sunlight, this question goes decidedly vampire. (Vampire 1-0)

Q2. Can you turn into a wolf / a bat / fog, etc?

A2. No. No I cannot. * makes sad face *(Even 1-1)

Q3. According to disgraced lawyer Jeffrey Winger, “Men (and Vampires) are monsters who crave young flesh.” By which he was referring to a history of attraction to Annie Edison, played by the actress Alison Brie. Do you find Ms. Brie attractive?

A3. I have a pulse, don’t I? (Vampire 2-1)

Q4. Thoughts on Garlic?

A4. Yum! (Even 2-2)

Q5. Fondness for lined capes, leather, long coats?

A5. Regrettably no. My penchant is for plaid and flannel. (Not a Vampire 3-2)

Q6. Which of the following places would you most like to vacation most? 1. Egypt, 2. Japan, 3. Romania / Eastern Europe, 4. The Caribbean.

A6. Easy, Eastern Europe. Those forests and mountains and castles and heads on stakes are all very romantic. (Even 3-3)

Tie-breaker question:

Q7. Mirrors, what’s the deal?

A7. Since moving to our new apartment which does not have mirrors in any strategic place, even the bathroom, I have not seen my reflection in some time. Did I mention we moved on the same night that some black shrouded pale woman emerged from the woods and after that my memory gets all hazy?

Result: 4-3, or Slight Vampire.

Pardon me while I go brood and move to LA to solve crimes with Charisma Carpenter.

LATE BREAKING UPDATE !!!

Excuse me folks, but reader / commenter / all-around vampire expert KO has notified me that my answer to Q3 is, while a confirmation of Vampirism for that particular line of inquiry, TECHNICALLY speaking a SIMULTANEOUS vote against, in that vampires do not have pulses and the particular words I used in my answer have given me away, so to speak. Thus a point for and against for Q3 leaving us with a 4-4 stalemate. So as requested, a sudden death round:

Sudden Death Q! Could you please elaborate on nicknames you may have accrued, specifically those assigned in jest during your collegiate years?

Sudden Death A! When I moved from the lily-white suburb where I went to highschool to the even more upstate New Yorkean plains of Syracuse University for undergraduate study, I may have been something of a naive, goody-2-shoes. Some of my friends who shall remain nameless took pains to tarnish my squeaky clean-ness, their weapon of choice, of course, being booze. Before tumbling down into the abyss of collegiate bacchanalia, I was addressed on more than one occassion as the “Prince of Darkness.” Similar to the way a fat man would be nicknamed ‘Tiny” or “Tinkerbell.” The Prince of Darkness being one of the many many nicknames for Satan, Alice Cooper, (Miles Davis?) and yes, Dracula.

Sudden Death Result: 5-4, Slight Vampire.

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Responses

  1. Your numbering system is really confusing, but I think the result of your exploration, slight vampire, seems apt. Also, I super-want those shoes.

  2. well, i’m far from a mathmagician. numbers ain’t my thang.

  3. Sorry, Doug, but I need to point out that your answer to question 3 is actually a point against vampire. Not sure the undead would have a pulse. So by my count… undecided. I think this calls for sudden death overtime.

  4. Good point, KO. Sudden Death has been added per your request.

    • Perfect! I can sleep well now… or can I?

  5. “Prince of Darkness” is far better than my college nickname, “Princess of Inadequate Lighting”

  6. LOL. Other, less than flattering nicknames:

    “Prince of Do-It-Yourself Home Repair”
    “Lord of the Dance”
    “Duke of Daisy”
    “Lady Suppuration”
    “Countess Who-Gives-A-Shit”
    “President Obama”
    “Baron Von Needs a Bath”


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