Posted by: dougery | November 21, 2011

Better Late Than Never: Die Another Day (2002)

(In an effort to liven things up a bit, the following review will be told from the point of view of the film’s characters)

Zao: Well, I’m like, a terrorist, you know? You can tell this because I’m bald, speak a foreign language and have some sort of hideous disfigurement. Would diamond shrapnel really embed itself in the skin of one’s face like they do mine? I mean, I’m no scientist but maybe? I really like fast cars like my Jaguar XKR. Pretty sweet ride. Don’t bother yourself over the troubling details of how I got so much traction on what is essentially one gigantic sheet of ice. And my death scene? Man, chandelier to the face. What a way to go.

M: My defining feature? Well that would be my caustic wit, certainly. Also, I’m terribly short and they’ve given me a man’s haircut. Was I really angry with 007? Now how could you ask me that? James is a good boy. He’d never sell us out to the North Koreans. But I’m a company woman and I have to play the game, right? Besides, fired him up, didn’t it? Boy, James really looked wooly after those 14 months of torture. Surprisingly robust for a man they surely starved. More worried about what it did to his libido, however. Can’t have a secret agent that isn’t capable of employing the old ‘honey pot’ now can we?

Q: Ah yes, my 4 minutes of screen time sure were magnificent, weren’t they? Look I get it that you miss my predecessor played by the inestimable Desmond Llewelyn. The man was an institution. But hello? The chap they have playing me was in Monty Python’s Flying fucking Circus! Comedic chops is what I’m saying. And the guff I refuse to take from 007! Classic. The part where he is always touching my stuff is infuriating. Never mind it happens in every single movie. I wish when he fiddled with that jet-pack from Goldfinger that it shot him right in the face. That would teach him. Yes, yes, watch-lasers and invisible cars. These things I can create, apparently.

Giacinta “Jinx” Johnson: (In the middle of a covert mission) Oh, sorry, it’s kinda hard for me to speak what with all the secret agenting I’m doing. This means wearing a bikini and pretending to orgasm as I walk ashore like some brown Venus sans clam-shell. And all the leather! I love leather. Love. it. Also shooting people is rad. I won’t hear any of that stuff about how what I am doing is actually reverse female empowerment. That simply because a woman is all stabby shooty and bad-ass doesn’t mean she is actually empowering women but rather just acting like your stereotypical male action figure with boobs. Because I totally empower women via my sleeping around and random violence. Couldn’t ask for a better actor to play me, either. That Halle Berry sure is a fox. First she goes topless in that John Travolta vehicle then nails it in Monster’s Ball. And now she gets to play Jinx. I see nothing but good things in her future. I mean what is she going to do, accept a bunch of roles in terribly scripted comic-book movies? Like they’d ever actually make a Catwoman movie.

Verity: (preparing to fence, of course) Yes, I am Gustav’s fencing teacher. Of course I haven’t seen the film. Oh, I heard they got that actor/singer/serial fornicator Madonna to play me. Right at the peak of her Britification. Speaks with an accent in interviews somehow. Making all kinds of bleepy bloopy electronic eurotrash music these days. She did the theme-song, too? I’m sure it’s lovely. That’s sarcasm, mind. Actually, I heard her acting isn’t half bad in this. Limited screen-time no doubt helps. Sorry I couldn’t be more insightful but I need to go find some random stranger to tie up my corset.

a bunch of assholes

Gustav Graves: I sure am insufferable aren’t I? That’s not really a question. Ah, the wonders of modern science were somehow capable of reconfiguring my DNA and giving me this smarmy new face. Also admit it, you totally bought my untimely death over that waterfall near the beginning of the film, back when I was Korean. Ha ha ha! Assholes don’t die so easily. Not when there are gigantic satellites to hijack and employ. Oh, and that part where I use the giant laser on that thing to cut off that ice-shelf and give 007 those massive waves to surf! You would never guess it was all done through CGI. Not at all fake looking.

Miranda Frost: Was I reluctant to be this film’s obligatory traitorous evil bitch? Not a bit. James had to sleep with someone other than Jinx after-all. All that time in the Korean big house. Pity Jinx got to him first. Tapping James after a 14 sexless months would be like sitting on a nuclear powered washing machine. I’d still be climaxing, is what I’m saying. Does this make me a one-dimensional sex-creature? Are you even listening to me? Eyes up here. Just because I am swordfighting while wearing little more than some kind of ninja sportsbra doesn’t mean you have the right to objectify me. I’m deeper than that. You’re forgetting my gratuitous over-the-top death scene. Sexy even in death. They weren’t going to mash me up in some turbine, not with this ass.

James Bond “007”: (Enters expensive restaurant) Good lord am I sick of this Brosnan fellow portraying me.
** has sex with underage hostess **
Somebody revive Sean Connery’s bloated corpse. Or Roger Moore’s. I don’t care!
** has 24 drinks in a row **
What, they’re both still alive?
** Eats 3 pounds of raw steak **
I rather doubt that. Hell, give me Dalton or Lazenby.
** Waitress proceeds to crawl under table and perform fellatio **
Anyone but this arrogant ass-hat. I hear they have cast some Daniel Craig person to play me next.
** grunts, drags waitress up from under the table by the hair **
Interesting. I’m much to witty and sophisticated to make some sort of blond joke here. Oh who am I kidding, no I’m not. Blonds have more fun!
** Dies from 37 STDs **

Bond Grade: 001 (out of 007)

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